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| 02:10pm 17/11/2006 |
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mood:  confused
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I don't know why I let things like this bother me or even surprise me. You know how I said I was worried none of the friend I had make with Vash would visit or still wanna hang out with me after she left? And they all SWORE that that wouldn't happen? And then it did?
Yeah that still bothers me.
And what bothers me even more is that a while ago, Vash and I had a horrible fight that I don't feel like going completely into. But one of the things we fought about was the fact that even though I really missed her, I never seemed to make an effort to call or make contact with her. I said the same of her and basically felt that she just didn't have any need for me anymore. When we made up, she got me to register with this blog site called Vox. She said it'd be a good place for use to talk. So I started posting there under the impression we'd finally start talking again. When we made up I was under the impression she wanted to talk to me again and be friends with me again.
I think I was wrong. She hasn't called, sent me a note over DA or responded to any of my new posts on Vox. And lately on DA I've read some of her journal entries (cause I get a notice whenever she updates them) and well, she's been having a really rough time and her most recent entry said she got really sick and had to go to the hospital! Now, I don't really expect her to call to tell me every little detail of her life but... she almost died and if it weren't for the journal update I wouldn't have know. I would've thought she just didn't want to speak to me anymore and... I don't wanna think about it. I've recently come to the realization that I really care about Vash (hell I even told her!) but either she didn't understand or it frightened her away and now she never wants to speak to me again.
I can feel a lump forming in my throat as I write this and my eyes are getting watery. Is this what it feels like to have your heart break? |
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| I must be the worst possible friend in the world |
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| 11:40pm 18/07/2006 |
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mood:  depressed
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At least, that’s how I feel right now. Vash is my best friend. She’s been there for me and if it weren’t for her I probably would still be stuck in 1346 with substandard artwork. Vash was a great inspiration for me and all I’ve ever wanted for her is for her to be happy.
Well, she is. She’s very happy. She’s got a ton of new friends, she’s loving her new school. She’s in the perfect place right now.
So why does that make me so depressed? I should be happy that she’s doing so great Instead, I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. I must be so fucked up in the head to think things like this. Why am I letting this bother me? Why can’t I let myself be happy for her? It’s not fair damnit Vash finally gets what she wants, what she deserves and all I can think is “I want her back here with me ” But I know if that happens she’ll just be miserable and held back. Out there she’s got so much more potential.
This really sucks. I wanna talk to her but not really over the phone for fear that any minute I’m gonna start balling. And that’s not gonna help. I don’t want her to feel guilty or worse, make her mad at me. God, I don’t want to think about what I would feel like if she hated me.
... it’d probably feel like now only ten times worse. God what the fuck is wrong with me? |
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| Fresh start |
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| 01:14pm 14/07/2006 |
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mood:  okay
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Well it's the end of the first week of school and so far my classes seem pretty good. Two of my classes will be spent working on my demo reel. I'll also be putting together my flat portfolio asnd rewriting my resume. My 3D class is, well, it's 3D and we all know how much I loath that subject. I just wanna get it over and done with. Thankfully two of my classes are with Leah this quarter and the other two are with Shawn so at least I've got some company in my classes. I've plotted out what I wanna do with my demo reel and one part is already done so now I just need to animate the other two. It looks like next quarter I'll be taking my first internship so wish me luck. Also it looks like I'll be graduating in just 2 more quarters. Technically I could graduate next quarter if I take 5 classes (4 classes + my internship) But I don't think I could handle that.
Plans for Otakon seem to have fallen through. It looks like there's no way I'll have enough for the hotel for all three days, even if I do go with Leah, Heather and their friend. On the plus side, it DOES look like Leah and I could just go for Saturday as long as Leah's mom drives us up and back. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Stuck in Villas |
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| 12:39am 01/07/2006 |
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mood:  numb
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Well, I've been home on break for the past two weeks and sadly enough, I've done more drawing now then I did during last quarter. And speaking of last quarter, I got my grades and I did pretty good. A C+, C- and a B. Now I just have to worry about next quarter... and the quarter after that.... and the quarter after that... and then, I think that'll be it. Scary.
Anyway, it hasn't been so bad being back in South Jersey. I brought my laptop home and found out I could get a wireless connection in two spots in my room. However, it constantly goes on and off and in both spots I have to sit hunched over either cross-legged or lying on my stomach (which really hurts my chest) Last Sunday was my mom's birthday. The whole family went out for dinner then my parents and I headed down to the beach and saw some dolphins. It was pretty cool seeing as how most of the animals I've come in contact recently have been cats, sparrows, pidgeons and the occational cockroach while wandering about the city at night. It was a nice change. I saw some herons, egrets and frogs too. ^^ Tomorrow my parents and I are gonna go to the zoo. I'm gonna see if I can get a few sketches in while I'm there. Plus I wanna check out their reptile house. The last time I was at the zoo, it had burned down.
My whole family has gone on a health spree. My parents are quitting smoking. I'm really glad they're doing that. Ever since I went away to school I realized how much the smoke bothers me. Also, everyone's going on a diet, or at least my sister is. My parents said they're gonna conquer smoking first, then they'll work on their weight. My sister on the other hand is working really hard to loose weight... and it's kinda making me feel a lot fatter than I am. I've been going into her room to play my Jak and Daxter game (I brought it home and asked if I could. She said yes) and the other day I got bored and tried weighing myself on her scale. I'm a little over 180 lbs. Pretty much, I need to loose about 30 or so pounds to be the right weight for my height. I decided I'm gonna do that when I go back to the dorms. I'm thinking about looking into some weightloss pills, or maybe just something to curb my sweet tooth. That's what really gets me. Or maybe I can find something to give me more energy. I'll check out CVS when I get back.
Well, not much more to say. Now I just need to wait for my internet to connect again so I can send this. It crapped out on me again in the middle of typing all this. > |
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| It's been a while |
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| 02:33am 13/06/2006 |
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mood:  tired
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Wow, I haven't updated in a while. What to say... What to say...
... I miss Vash. I really do. I've been meaning to call her but I've been hung up with finals. That and I've never been very good at calling people up at random. I do better with IMs. But I wonder how she's doing in Atlanta. I bet she's doing well. She's better suited there I think. She's closer to her family and the city was killing her.
Finals have been.... exhausting. For the past couple of weeks I haven't wanted to draw. In fact, it all happened shortly after Vash moved away. I just stopped wanting to draw. Normally, if I don't want to work on my school work, I'll at least want to draw something on my own, like some random comics or some little doodles. But these past few weeks, nothing. Which has been very bad cause I have needed to do a lot of drawing for my classes. Especially my Project Managament and Portfolio class. I got my Portfolio done and it turned out pretty well. Now I just need to finish my demo reel. Project Management just needs one more animation done and then I'll finally be finished. I ended up going to a few of Martone's open drawing classes this quarter cause I needed life drawings for Portfolio. I'd forgotten how much I loved his classes. And him. Last Thursday I showed him my portfolio. You know, just to get his opinion. He really liked it and said he wanted to speak to me again on Wednesday so he could go into more detail. One student who was in the class saw some of my drawings and said my new style looks kinda like Don Bluth's style. Yay! I mentioned to Martone again that I want to try and work for him and he said that Don Bluth would really like my stuff. He even said he'd try talking to him about trying to get me an internship.
What else.... Oh yeah, I might be going to Otakon with Leah and Heather and their friend Jeff (who apparently is a girl). The only problem right now is that we have no ride. Which really sucks cause I wanna go and be my Save Point Moogle again. That was fun! ^.^ Plus, I'd just really love to go to Otakon again. I had lotsa fun the last two times I went and it'd be nice to go again. I've been spending a lot of time with Heather and Leah and it's been nice. I'm glad I still have some friends left at the school.
Hmm, I think Kelly may have been stalking me on DA. I don't understand why though. I mean, if she hates me so much, then why bother watching my art page? And speaking on my DA page, last time I checked I was just two views away from 4k. w00t! I have something planned for it but I probably won't get it done by the time I reach it.
Ah well, I'll write again later. If I remeber that it. Doesn't really matter anyway. Nobody reads this but me really. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| 05:26pm 13/05/2006 |
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What NeverEnding Story character are you?
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| Quizes |
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| 05:11pm 08/05/2006 |
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mood:  bored
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I got bored and looked through my old LJ account to try and retake some quizes I found.
( Quizes ) |
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| New realizations |
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| 12:30pm 01/05/2006 |
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mood:  happy
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I just realized something the other night. All my life I've felt like I was nothing more than a sidekick. When I was back high school, I was my friend Meg's sidekick. I always tagged along with her when she went to hang out with her other friends. And even though I did talk with those friends and they were nice and talked back, they would never go out of their way to hang out with me if I wasn't with Meg. Sure if they saw me, they'd say "hi" but that was pretty much it. When I came to college, I became Vash's sidekick. She made a bunch of friends and I liked talking with them and hanging out with them, but this only happened when they came over to see Vash. When she left for the first time I had expressed to everyone that I would be friendless cause they'd all stop coming over. They said no but they never did make an effort to hang out with me again. Only just to say "hi" if they passed me on the street, maybe chat a little bit. They never came over again. It got to be very lonely. Now I've made friends with Heather and Leah. I'm a part of their little group and I like it. I'm making more of an effort to ask if they want to hang out. I was never very good at that. But something happened last night which made me feel like maybe I wasn't a sidekick when I was in high school...
Mike came over to visit. He had called me before our Easter break, just to chat. We talked on the phone for nearly an hour and a half. I told him about how I was doing in school, he told me about how things were back in Jersey. And tacos. He mentioned tacos a lot. But then again, Mike is a very strange guy. The other night I got another call from Mike. Apparently his aunt got him a job at some event at the Academy of Arts. He was a greeter and he wore a suit and tie. I wish I had a cammera. ^-^ So anyway, he called me and asked if I wanted to hang out when he was done cause he had remembered I lived in Philly. Around 10 he came by and we hung out and talked till almost 3 in the morning. It was great! That's when I realized, Mike had come over to hang out and talk with me without Meg needing to be there. It makes me feel really good to know I'm not just a sidekick. ^.^ |
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| Living Sinfully |
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| 01:11pm 20/04/2006 |
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mood: sleepy
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On this one topic I lurk on in Gaia someone started up a group of pirates for the Seven Deadly Sins (cause Gaia just released a bunch of spiffy pirate items) All of them were filled except Sloth so I decided I'd quit lurking and join. Then someone found a quiz online to figure out what your sin may be. I took it, and ironicly enough, I got sloth.
| Greed: | Medium
| | | Gluttony: | Medium
| | | Wrath: | Medium
| | | Sloth: | High
| | | Envy: | Low
| | | Lust: | Low
| | | Pride: | Medium
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Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz |
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| why? |
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| 11:47am 07/04/2006 |
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mood: uncomfortable
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I ran into Vash the other day. Apparently she's not going to be going to AIPH anymore. It looks like she's going back to Atlanta. I knew this was coming, she told me if it wasn't this quarter it would've been next. Unfortunately, she told me something else abut our school I really don't wanna get into but basically, to me, it means that I quite litterally have wastes 4 years of my life and thousands of my parents dollars going to school here. She told me this, I think, in the hopes of getting me to go to Atlanta with her. I would love to, I really would but I've told her dozens of times I can't cause my parents can't afford it. Add to that the fact that I've only got 3 quarters left here it'd be a complete waste to simply pack up everything, move halfway across the country only to be in school for a short period. Besides, there's nothing I want to do in Atlanta. All the jobs are either in California, New York, Canada or overseas somewhere. The only place in Atlanta I can think of working for is Cartoon Network and truth be told, I'd rather go to New York and try and get a job with Nickelodeon. Or possibly even go to CA and work for Don Bluth (but Nickelodeon is looking most likely right now) But since Vash told me about the school, I've been uneasy. This quarter was gonna be stressful enough seeing as how I have 4 really difficult classes (3D especially), why did she have to add this doubt and unease too?! My biggest fear is that I'll have wasted so much of my parents money and after what she told me, that's looking to be very likely! Why couldn't she have just left me in blissful ignorance? Damn it. |
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| Bad dreams |
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| 01:11pm 06/02/2006 |
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I had a really messed up dream last night. It's finally beginning to fade away but this is what I can remember: For some reason I was back at my high school Wildwood Catholic. For some reason our school was putting on a musical, I was in it and the whole thing was sung in Japanese. Then this maniac showed up and started yelling at me to give him the code for some nuclear weapons or he would nuke the school. In my mind I thought "I can't give him the code cause he'll use it to blow up the world. But if I don't give it to him then he's gonna blow up all of Wildwood and kill all these people here." In the end, for some reason, I went over to the stairs that led below the stage, found a rope and hung myself or something to that extent. Then he blew up Wildwood. Apparently I wasn't quite dead yet as I felt everything suddenly get very hot and everything was engulfed in this pure white light. When I came to, it was like I was this disembodied spirit that traveled back in time a few minutes and witnessed how some people experienced the explosion. Then for some reason I saw some guy that had become a featherless crane or something because his wife had sheilded him with her body. He's in this lavish garden, walking around examining his surroundings. Everything has been altered by the blast. He walks past this foutain and proceeds to spit in it. When his spit connects with the water, there's like this acidic reaction. He says that the water has become acid and he must move on. As he walks there's this weird looking blade of grass/leaf on the ground. It connects with his foot and begins to cover his foot. He stops and shakes his foot to try and get it off but the grass/leaf just covers more and more of his leg the more he shakes it. And when he stops shaking it, the grass/leaf moves even faster and coats his entire body so that now he has grass like feathers all over him. He's a little shocked at first but nothing else bad seems to happen to him. He's perfectly fine, he's just covered in grass. He starts walking again when this little bush moves towards him. He accidentally steps on it and the bush begins to merge with him. Now he looks panicked. Even more bushes appear, all scurrying around on the ground towards him. Suddenly these vines shoot out of them and grab him. They merge on him and start pulling him down. He tries to back away but for some reason the fountain is behind him and he steps in it. The acid burns him slightly and he pulls his foot back. Now he's suck between the acid and being "devoured" be these mutant bush things that have all now merged into one big bush. Desperate, he tries to manuver the bush thing into the acid, thinking if he does that maybe it will die and all the grass feathers on him will come off. But that was about the time I woke up cause things were just getting way to weird...... maybe I should stop eatting pretzels and drinking Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper before bed. |
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| Something I wrote last night |
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| 06:42pm 17/01/2006 |
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The school was closed yesterday so I wasn't able to post this.
Raziel got me thinking a bit tonight. He asked me how I would react if he enlisted. The first thing that popped into my mind was a scene from Green Day’s “Wake me up when September ends” video when the girl is crying hysterically cause her boyfriend just told her he enlisted and he’s freaking out too, yelling “I thought you would be happy. I did this for us!” I tried to put myself in that situation. I wouldn’t want Raziel to enlist because I’d be so worried that something bad would happen. He could be seriously hurt or worse. I don’t want that. But then I thought, really it’s not my decision, it would be his and if he really had his heart set on joining I shouldn’t hold him back. It was hard to come up with a response. I told him I would be worried that something bad would happen but if its what he wants then he should do it. Maybe that’s a conflicting answer. He seemed okay with it. Then I got to thinking a bit more later on in our conversation. He said I was a bit pulled back from him while we were together last weekend. Like I had my mind elsewhere or that I was nervous about something. Truth be told, there was nothing really on my mind and near the end of the weekend I was torn between wanting to stay and go back to the apartment. I was started to get sick at that time so I was feeling a little cruddy. I feel bad. I think I made Raziel feel uncomfortable and I didn’t mean to. But then again, something else has been going through my mind. I’ve been thinking about sex a lot lately. I still feel like a child in that aspect. Sex scares me a little. I don’t want to rush into it, I’m worried about getting pregnant, what if it hurts really bad, I’m still a virgin so I have no idea what to do, I’m really self-conscious about my body, especially with this hormone imbalance I have now. It’s made me gain a lot of extra weight so I have nasty stretch marks not only on my thighs but under my arms as well. Plus now I’ve got hair growing on my chest and a little bit on my chin too. I shave it but it leaves these little black dots all over my chest and that’s not attractive. At the moment, I want to wait till I’m married or absolutely certain to have sex but I’m worried that that will upset Raziel. He’s a sweet guy so I don’t think he’d force me to do something I don’t want to but he’s still a guy and I don’t think he could wait. I want to talk to someone about this but I don’t know who. I don’t really want to talk to my parents about it, maybe my sister but I don’t really call her up and chat that often. There’s Vash but right now she’s got a ton on her mind so I don’t want to bother her with my petty problems. Plus, she’s just gotten out of a relationship so I don’t think she wants to hear anything about mine. I feel so guilty about this past break. I had a great time while I was home. I met with old friends I haven’t seen in a while, had a great time with my family but meanwhile, Vash has had what sounds like an absolute horrible vacation. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about all the fun times I had cause it’s be like me saying “My break was better than yours. I’m going to rub all these wonderful things in your face! Ha ha ha!” I want to tell people about the break but at the same time I can’t cause I don’t want to make anybody feel bad. It sucks. I feel like I’m a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a bad person. Its times like these that I think about becoming an internet recluse. Just spending the rest of my days with internet people who will never see me or know the real me… they’ll just know the me that is created on the net. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| w00t! |
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| 05:09am 25/12/2005 |
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! May Santa bring you lotsa gifts and stuff! ^-^ |
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| End of Quarter rant |
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| 11:46am 15/12/2005 |
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Well, it's not so much as a rant as it is an update and review. This quarter has been interesting to say the least. A lot has happened, both good and bad. Things are changing, Kelly's moving out and I'm getting a new roommate. And relationships are forming, Raziel and I are officially going out now. He's been very sweet and I just hope I can be a good girlfriend. I told him I have no real experience in relationships, and barely know how to kiss right beyond just a peck. I don't want to even go into sexy right now. In all honesty, sex doesn't interest me. I don't like my body that much, I barely want people to see my arms and legs uncovered let alone see it naked. I think I may wait until I'm married but I'm not even sure I ever want to be married. It's all too much for me to think about right now. Raziel is a sweet guy and I'm sure he'll respect me and not want to push me to do anything I don't want to do. I spent last Saturday with him and had a ton of fun. We went to see Narnia then went back to his house and just hung out. We sleep together but it was nothing beyond hugging and sleeping next to one another. He actually told me in the morning that he was worried he might move his hand somewhere that I wouldn't want him to so he kept waking up and inching away a bit from me but I kept inching back against him. I think for the most part it was because I was so cold that night. I was shivering for a while but when I was next to him, I was warm. It was nice. ^__^
That aside, school has been okay. I think I might do a bit poorly as far as my grades go though. I think I did okay with Logic, I'm a little worried about Business Law. I think I did poorly with my midterm and final and I wasn't able to get the extra credit in. Hopefully I'll get at least a D or a low C. 3D, well, we all know how well I do in 3D. With my final model, I think I may pull a C or D. Right now my group and I are putting the final touches on our project, hopefully this class with be a C or D as well. I just hope to not fail anything this quarter. I was hoping since I was unable to get a job and money to buy presents for my parents that I could at least give them good grades from this quarter but it looks like I may fail at that. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm a failure and a disapointment to my parents.
Well, nothing more to say really. I'm plotting out things for my demo reel, figuring out what animations I want to put in, what songs I may us or lip syncs that I want to do. Hopefully I can get some work on it while I'm at home. I want to start now or else I may never finish it on time. |
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| weird feelings |
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| 04:41pm 03/12/2005 |
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I'm beginning to think I don't understand my own feelings or that I just might not have any at all. Take Raziel for example. I like him, I really do. I get all excited and happy when I think about us getting together to hang out. When he was coming down for the Harry Potter movie I could barely sit still. I power cleaned and orgainized my room for him (something I rarely ever do) and sometimes my heart seems to speed up just thinking about him. But is that love? I don't know.
When I hang out with Vash and Kelly, I get weird feelings too. I can't seem to talk around Kelly or look very high off the ground. My mind tends to wander and I don't pay close attention. I hear about bad things that happen to Vash and I get upset. I feel like there's a pit in my stomach and all I want is to do anything possible to make her feel better. But I'm weak and useless and nothing I do will help. I just seem to make things worse. I think I may be jealous that Vash and Kelly are such good friends but I don't think I should be. I brought this on myself. They just have more in common and I'm the third wheel. I hate putting Vash in the middle cause that just makes her sad again. So I leave them alone, I walk a couple feet behind them (if anything to keep my distance from Kelly) and I don't say too much. If I do, I speak softly and look down a lot.
Feelings are really weird. |
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dragoniangirl's journal
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